The MySpace Worm

A few months back, I decided to make a permanent myspace account so that I could easily view pictures of random, hot girls whenever I please without creating a new account each time. I also had a number of friends on there and figured I would see what all the hype was about. Myspace is a site for keeping up with friends, meeting new people, and even getting laid (sorry ladies, I’m taken.) It allows you to set up a profile/web page with a limited ability to make it look and feel how you wanted. Too limiting. I couldn’t even fit a good line into my “headline” without taking words out and sounding like G.W.B. trying to respond to an arbitrary question. Hell, I couldn’t even fit more than 12 glamour shots on my photos page. Like an illegal alien with a plan, I ventured to evade these limiting borders.

I began to examine the site some more, seeing how they restrict things, what they restrict, taking some breaks to look at profiles of really hot girls, trying to add them as friends and getting rejected, and getting back to making my profile cool so that they would add me as a friend later. Chicks dig cool profiles. After a little bit of messing around, I found that I could put in a longer headline than what they allowed. Hell, I could even get around their other restrictions and get HTML in there in order to add cool “effects” to my page that other people can’t add. Yeah, that will get me chicks. Girls want guys who have computer hacking skills.

Let’s see here…what would make my profile rock. Well, the most popular profiles on myspace pretty much consist of people with the IQ and English delivery skills of Kanye West so I don’t want to mimic those, but popularity begets popularity. I need some more friends. I need people to love me. I delved into the bug and found that I could basically control the web browsing of anyone who hit my profile. In fact, I was able to develop something that caused anyone who viewed my profile to add my name to their profile’s list of heroes. It’s villainous. I was ecstatic.

But it wasn’t enough. I needed more. So I went deeper. A Chipotle burrito and a few clicks later, anyone who viewed my profile who wasn’t already on my friends list would inadvertently add me as a friend. Without their permission. I had conquered myspace. Veni, vidi, vici.

But it wasn’t enough.

If I can become their friend…if I can become their hero…then why can’t their friends become my friend…my hero. I can propagate the program to their profile, can’t I. If someone views my profile and gets this program added to their profile, that means anyone who views THEIR profile also adds me as a friend and hero, and then anyone who hits THOSE people’s profiles add me as a friend and hero… So if 5 people viewed my profile, that’s 5 new friends. If 5 people viewed each of their profiles, that’s 25 more new friends. And after that, well, that’s when things get difficult. The math, I mean.

Some people would call this a worm. I call it popularity. Regardless, I don’t care about popularity, but it can’t hurt, right?

10/04, 12:34 pm: You have 73 friends.
I decided to release my little popularity program. I’m going to be famous…among my friends.

1 hour later, 1:30 am: You have 73 friends and 1 friend request.
One of my friends’ girlfriend looks at my profile. She’s obviously checking me out. I approve her inadvertent friend request and go to bed grinning.

7 hours later, 8:35 am: You have 74 friends and 221 friend requests.
Woah. I did not expect this much. I’m surprised it even worked.. 200 people have been infected in 8 hours. That means I’ll have 600 new friends added every day. Woah.

1 hour later, 9:30 am: You have 74 friends and 480 friend requests.
Oh wait, it’s exponential, isn’t it. Shit.

1 hour later, 10:30 am: You have 518 friends and 561 friend requests.
Oh crap. I’m getting messages from people pissed off that I’m their friend when they didn’t add me. I’m also getting emails saying “Hey, how the hell did you get onto my myspace….not that I mind, you’re hot”. From guys. But more girls than guys. This actually isn’t so bad. The girls part.

3 hours later, 1:30 pm: You have 2,503 friends and 6,373 friend requests.
I’m canceling my account. This has gotten out of control. People are messaging me saying they’ve reported me for “hacking” them due to my name being in their “heroes” list. Man, I rock. Back to my worries. People are also emailing me telling me their IM names so that I’ll chat with them. Cool. Back to my worries. Apparently people are getting pissed because they delete me from their friends list, view someone else’s page or even their own and get re-infected immediately with me. I rule. I hope no one sues me.

I haven’t been worried about anything in years, but today I was actually afraid of the unknown. Afraid of myspace? No, afraid of FOX’s legal department. If you’re not aware already, myspace was purchased by FOX only a few weeks back for 580 million dollars. Not online myspace dollars, but actual cash that can buy strippers. With all that money, Tom from myspace could basically do 2 chicks at once, 580 times. Or he could have FOX come after me. I don’t want FOX after me.

I spend the rest of the day working, trying to get the ideas of what could happen out of my head. I have my girlfriend visit me for lunch to say our goodbyes. I’m going to the big house. I could hear it then, “mr samy, you are hereby sentenced to an $800,000 fine and 3 years in jail for getting way too many friends on myspace and causing psychological damage to girls who thought they were your friends until you canceled your account.”

5 hours later, 6:20 pm: I timidly go to my profile to view the friend requests. 2,503 friends. 917,084 friend requests.
I refresh three seconds later. 918,268. I refresh three seconds later. 919,664 (screenshot below). A few minutes later, I refresh. 1,005,831.

It’s official. I’m popular.

I have hit 1,000,000+ users. In less than 20 hours, I’ve hit over 1/35th of all myspace users. Every request is from a unique, living, and logged in user. I refresh once more and now see nothing but a message that my profile is down for maintenance. I messed up, didn’t I. I’m now more afraid and decide I am never doing anything even near illegal ever again. To get my mind off of everything, I begin downloading a copy of the latest Nip/Tuck episode.

1 hour later, 7:05 pm: A friend tells me that they can’t see their profile. Or anyone else’s profile. Or any bulletin boards. Or any groups. Or their friends requests. Or their friends. Nothing on myspace works. Messages are everywhere stating that myspace is down for maintenance and that the entire myspace crew is there working on it. I ponder whether I should drive over to their office and apologize. Another attempt to free my mind of worry, I go back to watching some episodes of The OC which I downloaded a few days earlier. File sharing rocks.

2.5 hours later, 9:30 pm: I’m told that everything on myspace seems to be working again. My girlfriend’s profile, along with many, many others, still say “samy is my hero”, however the actual self-propagating program is gone. I’m relieved that it’s back up as they can’t claim damages for any downtime past this second if everything is in fact working properly.

10 minutes later, 9:40 pm: I haven’t heard from anyone at myspace or FOX. A few minutes later, my girlfriend calls, I pick up, and she says to me, “you’re my hero”. I don’t actually get it until about three hours later.

Postmortem:

I’m still waiting for myspace or FOX to contact me. I’m sorry myspace and FOX. I love you guys, all the great things myspace provides, and all the great shows FOX has, my favorite being Nip/Tuck.

Oh wait, Nip/Tuck is FX? My bad, but FOX, I’m sure you still have some good stuff. But maybe you should start picking up Nip/Tuck reruns? Just a thought. I’m kidding! Please don’t sue me.

A Ticket to Fight

On January 1st, 2005, I was pulled over for speeding. I was not happy about this. Here is my lone, attorneyless attempt at fighting it.

January 1st, 2005: I was travelling at 81 mph on the I-5. I did not see a police bike on the side of the freeway until he lit his jolly old lights up and came after me. I pulled over. He did not let me off.

Mid-January, 2005: I drive to my post office mailbox and receive a letter from the Superior Court of San Diego stating that I can pay $450 which will help fund the CHP’s luxary vehicles and avoid going to court. I can also attend traffic school. I could pay and get it all over with and suffer the cost plus a point. I could also fight it and waste lots of time in court. I could even get an attorney for $500, but then be paying more than the ticket itself just to avoid a point. I’m not sure what do, so I decide to drown the thoughts away with some vodka on the drive home.

March 2nd, 2005: I realize my court date is soon. I check. It is tomorrow. I’m 100+ miles away from the court and realize that I do not really want to drive that far to go to court. I also don’t want to pay $450. I look at my options…in a previous traffic case, I had an attorney appear for me. Too expensive. $450, also too expensive. I investigate other options. I call the court and ask for a one-time, 30-day continuance. They give me another 30 days before I have to appear. Sweet.

April 2nd, 2005: I realize my court date is soon. I check. It is tomorrow. I call the court and ask for a one-time, 30-day continuance. They tell me I have already asked for that. I yell slurs into the cell-phone. Well, I slurred into the cell-phone. I hangup and drink some more until I get distracted by the light turning green.

Later that day: I relize my court date is soon. I check. Shoot, I already did all of this. I realize I still do not want to go to court. In fact, if I go to court, I would have to wait for hours just to say “not guilty”, at which point I arrange ANOTHER date to go back and defend myself with the other officer present, and waste more time. I begin investigating other methods of not paying and not appearing in court. I would really prefer to just find a way to get paid $450 for discovering a loophole where you get paid $450. I take another sip. I search some more, ask around, and voila! I type, print and mail a Written Not Guilty Plea. No court necessary.

Mid-April, 2005: I get a letter in the mail with a Request for Trial by Written Decleration. Again, no need to appear. I am pleased. All I have to do is convince the court that it was perfectly legal for me to speed…I can have my dreams. I send my trial by written decleration. It goes a little like this:

I respectfully submit this written declaration to the Court pursuant to CVC 40902. I plead Not Guilty to the charge of violating CVC 22406(b).The facts of my case are as follows: While driving northbound on Interstate 5, just north of Poinsettia Lane, at around 10:45 AM on 1-1-05, I was stopped by CHP Officer *** (I.D.#***) and charged with violating CVC 22406(b) for traveling at a speed of 81 mph. I do not deny traveling at this speed but submit that my citation should be dismissed, as my speed was necessary in compliance with the Basic Speed Law and the Minimum Speed Law.

The traffic was light ahead of me, heavy for a short distance behind me, and moving at an average speed of 80 mph. At first, I tried to obey the posted maximum, even though the other vehicles were going 10-15 mph faster. Due to the heavy, fast moving traffic, I was constantly being tailgated and was almost rear-ended by several cars. My attempt to obey the letter of the law by maintaining a lower speed was causing a hazardous situation for myself and others.

CVC 22400, “The Minimum Speed Law,” requires that “No person shall drive upon a highway at such a slow speed as to impede or block the normal and reasonable movement of traffic….” By driving slower, I was certainly impeding the normal flow of traffic: 80 mph at the time of my stop. In this situation, it was safer to obey the Minimum Speed Law, by matching my speed to the traffic flow, then to follow the Maximum Speed Law and cause a hazard by driving at 65 mph or slower.

The Basic Speed Law, CVC 22350, states: “No person shall drive a vehicle upon a highway at a speed greater than is reasonable or prudent having due regard for weather, visibility, the traffic on, and the surface and width of the highway, and in no event at a speed which endangers the safety of persons or property.” If traffic is moving at 81 mph, it is not safe to drive 15-20 mph slower than this speed. To match the speed of traffic in this situation does violate the Maximum Speed Law. However, my situation required me to travel above the posted maximum to obey the Basic Speed Law and to avoid being rear-ended by faster moving traffic.

Where I was stopped, Interstate 5 is a well-maintained multi-lane freeway, quite safe to travel on at a speed above the maximum limit with favorable weather and road conditions, such as on that clear, Saturday morning. Since I was required for safety to accelerate to match the speed of traffic, I contest that my speed was reasonable and prudent pursuant to the Basic Speed Law and Minimum Speed Law.

I trust in the Court’s fairness in this matter and believe that my citation should be dismissed in the interest of justice.

If the court does not find in my favor in this case, I request a fine reduction and a Court assignment to attend traffic school. I have already verified that I am eligible to receive traffic school.

Mid-June, 2005: I lost the case and paid the fine. No loss, same fine, but never had to step into court. Maybe next time.

October, 2005: So I’ve been clean (no tickets) for over 9 months. My insurance payment on my SUV is $500/mo for base coverage. Don’t ever get tickets. However, they do get removed after 3 years. My youthful years will soon be over and the points will be gone, leaving me with a mature driving record (and nothing else) and less costly insurance. And then I’ll probably do something pretty stupid.